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Freedom Dies With Me CHAPTER 1

Deviation Actions

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The sky was bright that day. The sun was shining, in the only real way the sun would know how to, and the rays bared down into the great rocky valley below. The area was almost a desert, with sand spread far and wide across the area, and bright orange rocks making up the few steps to an unforgiving fall to the bottom of the valley below. Dusty winds swept across the valley as well, both on the surface and in the valley, kicking particles of anything that would float across the stone-heavy expanse. Here and there was the odd bulbous plant pod, leaves still growing strong in the spring air, while creatures of every shape and size roamed the area looking for their next meal, hopefully something alive. Nearby, impossibly, was some sort of forest, its trees extending way into the air and almost blocking the sunlight completely. And inbetween those two expanses, a wonderful combination of the best of both, lay an oasis; a deep and crystal clear pool of water that housed fish and frogs that swam with content across and within the water. Nearby was a waterfall, falling in from deep in the forest and cascading over the more purple-y rocks that lined the area.

The calm stillness and the rushing of the water was temporarily disturbed by a hissing noise. In place of the hissing came a roaring, from which a portal appeared. From that portal emerged a brown hedgehog-like creature, who charged through the portal and landed face first on the sandy shore of the oasis. He groaned slightly and got up. Wiping some of the sand out of his face, he walked over to the water to wash the rest off. He did, the cold water and the still winds being a pleasant relief after the harsh and stormy terrain of the future, and managed to get a glimpse of himself in the water's reflection. As said before, he was a brown hedgehog, with spiky quills and a tall stature. In-fact, he was a lot taller than most of his peers back in his old universe, no doubt because of his heritage, and just looked all the more dishevelled because of it. He was one of the rare people back in his original 'verse to wear clothes; specifically a black t-shirt and matching black trousers with a dark blue jacket over that. The jacket had a single dark strap going down the zipper's mounting with another strap connecting to his stomach and around his back to another place on his stomach where the other end of the strap had been haphazardly stitched on. The strap had been secured with a medallion the size of a teacup saucer with two F's scratched across it, given to Master in the past by a freedom fighter. His trousers were ripped and hastily repaired with duct tape and bandages, not counting the one still wrapped around his arm and his stomach, the latter of which still stung quite badly and would not go away. But perhaps the most notable thing about his clothing was his large, dark red wool scarf that clung to his neck like a bad thought, covering his muzzle and a good portion of his shoulders. To complete the look was some black fingerless gloves, black sneakers with red inserts and a mostly cosmetic set of sunglasses perched on his nose, which poked out of the scarf somewhat.

"Well, nice to know we're still in one piece," Blade said.

"Why?" Master asked, "We just went through a portal."

"Yeah, well you know portals are kinda...unreliable," Blade retorted, "Remember what happened to Lola that one time?"

Master sat down, "Yeah, I still remember that. Shocking mess. It's only NOW that she's been able to stitch herself back together. Poor girl." He stopped for a bit, saying nothing and merely looking out over the waters. The fresh air, the rushing water, the quiet sounds. It all spoke to him, reminding him of happier times. Endless months of bloodshed, travelling through hellholes, being the hero the people needed, but never wanted...after so much violence and insanity on the part of him and so many others, he just wanted to stop. He looked at the waterfall, and then at Blade, "Look at that view, Blade. Makes a change, doesn't it."

"Heh, yeah..." Blade said, "I remember when all I saw was battlefields with blood red skies and all I said was 'kill, kill' kill'! Heh...I'd like to think I'm better than that now."

"Me too..." Master sighed, "Think we'll ever find peace?"

"If we're lucky," Blade said, "If we do this right, stop this Lilac from going crazy, then we can run off with your little raccoon girlfriend and find somewhere...secluded."

"But until then, we have work to do," Master said. He stood up again, looking into the distance. He looked up after that, where something caught his senses, "Hey, do you sense what I'm sensing?"

"Yeah, a falling spaceship..." Blade said, making a sniffing sound, "Smells like it'll land in that forest over there. Better check it out, might find Lilac alongside it."

Master said nothing else, instead starting to walk off into the rocky crevasse before him. He checked his holsters again, picking out his Desert Eagle. It will still locked empty from the events before. He replaced the magazine and flicked the slide lock, throwing the slide back into place and loading a bullet, before setting the safety and placing it back into the holster. Blade was stuffed into the second and, with a final glance at the peaceful scene before him, Master set off into the valley.

=================================================
MEANWHILE, on the other side of the Dragon Valley
=================================================

"Lilac. Lilac! Wake up!"

Sash Lilac awoke with a start. She was lying on one of the many dust-encrusted rocks that littered the area, taking in the quiet air of the area. So much so, in fact, that she seemingly fell asleep. She sat up, a groan escaping her lips, and started to brush off the dust that had accumulated on her back. In the near distance, standing maybe only a few feet away from her, was Carol, Lilac's friend. She was a green wildcat, a deep green at that with even deeper green accents and eyes. Her large ears even now flickered around like restless insects and her tail whipped around in a similar fashion. As ever, she wore a black sleeveless shirt that cut off at her midsection, leaving a gap exposing her stomach that stopped at her waist, from which shorts of an even darker green hung. To complete the look was some fingerless gloves with yellow ribbons tied around the wrists, some heavy-duty shoes and a red handkerchief that was wrapped around her neck. Lilac never figured out why Carol held on to that; it was a mere reminder of her and Lilac's own past with the Red Scarves, a group of thieves that stole for the sake of it. Well, apart from Lilac and Carol. They stole Crystals just to put food on the table. Nothing more, nothing less. Well, a LOT less as of late, but Lilac was determined to make sure that little fact didn't let her down.

"Morning, Carol..." Lilac said, winking cheerfully, "It IS morning, right?"

"About 1 in the afternoon, Lilac," Carol sighed in her ever-deep and yet still air-light voice, "It's almost....well, almost time."

Lilac smiled. Carol always looked and sounded like she was one step away from letting a 'nyan' slip past her at any time, what with her trying so hard to be butch. She found it cute. Nevertheless, it was indeed almost time. For what, however, Lilac could not remember. She got to her feet, wiping off even more accumulated dust, and asked, "Wait, what're we doing today?"

"Robbing Mayor Zao's truck, remember?" Carol said, wielding a 'duh' expression on her face like a weapon, "For the final time, I promise!"

"And how many more times will our next robbery be 'the final time'?" Lilac asked, leaning on a nearby rock, "I thought we agreed to cut all ties with the Red Scarves."

"Well yeah, but..." Carol sighed, "We need the money, Lilac. It's not like crystals are just gonna drop from the sky and scatter all over the valley."

"Yeah, if only it was that simple..." Lilac sighed, "Hey, where's your motorbike?"

"Just down the path," Carol said, twirling the keys around her finger, "Never know when I might need it..." Carol sighed in an amusing way and leant against the same rock as Lilac, making sure to Lilac's shoulder with her own as a fun little gesture and looked into the sky, "Ahh, what a lovely day..."

Lilac was ready to respond also, looking into the sky, but stopped. In the vertical distance, in the great light blue void and beyond, there was a shadow. A small shadow, which slowly grew in size, and eventually took a more solid shape, specifically of a spaceship. It was of a medium size, with bright red panelling and wings like an old-fashioned plane. Multiple holes lined its body and the placement of multiple fires small and large alike set off clear signs that the ship was heavily damaged and coming down. Fast. Lilac barely had time to waste before she flopped to the floor once again, grabbing Carol and dragging her down too. The ship flew past them, a mere distance above them, and continued screaming into the distance. Following it was another kind of spaceship, this one a sickly green and grey combo that was still in perfect condition, which flew after the original with quite a few dark green helicopters.

"What the..." Carol started to ask, "The heck was that? That looked like Prince Dail's men!"

"I don't know," Lilac huffed, getting to her feet quickly, "But it looks like someone's in trouble. Come on! We better check it out!"

"But, what about the truck?" Carol asked, making the panicked stumble to her blood red motorbike.

"That'll have to wait!" Lilac said, "We have to see what's up!"

And with that, Lilac tapped the toe of her left boot into the ground and then began running off into the distance. But even running was not fast enough right now for Lilac; someone could be in danger and there was no time for paltry running. Luckily, Lilac knew exactly what to do here; the old Dragon Boost. She began to concentrate really hard and time seemed to slow down for a small smidgeon of time, the air around her becoming warmer with the rising energy that crackled and hissed until it became a shield of almost transparent power around her. And then, with a sudden moment with an impact that could shake the hills to dust, Lilac kicked forward and almost vanished altogether, screaming headfirst through the air like a purple comet of pure energy for a good half-mile. Rocks cracked, plants were pulled up by roots and an almost endless amount of dust was kicked into the air in the wake of this powerful outburst of speed, Lilac herself a mere after-image behind the comet. Eventually, she began to slow down and the wind that had accumulated around her was no longer deafening. Lilac relaxed slightly and stretched out, her boots catching the ground and began running once more, only now at a much faster pace.

Lilac managed to keep this pace going for a large part of the journey through the canyon. Every now and again she would stop, the energies around her drained, to jump over some small gaps in the earth or to push a giant square rock onto a switch. She had already stopped to do so, and even now was grunting and straining with the effort to push the rock off of the cliffside where it lay. It eventually relented, tumbling down the face of the cliff until landing on the rocky platform below with a thunderous thud. Lilac herself hopped down and resumed her straining to push the rock onto a nearby circular button sticking out of the earth. It clicked in satisfaction and a nearby door opened up, within which sat a spider on a purple pole shooting projectiles. Lilac took a split second to process just what she was looking at, as well as why it was even there to begin with, and began to attack it. A few swift kicks were enough to destroy the being and Lilac was able to proceed. Up ahead was an entry way into the lush forests nearby and Lilac slowed down to a leisurely stroll through the beautiful forests of Avalice. One thing that Lilac had noticed a bit through this adventurous exodus was that there was a larger amount of robots in the area than normal. Every now and again there would be a mere robotic drone roaming the area, often taken out by the natural wildlife, but they never came this strong or in this many numbers. They were, at least to Lilac, EVERYWHERE. Something was quite clearly up, but what? Lilac had no idea. But she would. She knew she would. A lifetime sitting on the fringes of society taking everything not nailed down helps to build one's skill and intuition. And, in this short time since the crash landing of that ship, Lilac knew she would have to use all of those skills to figure out what mess would be about to unfold before her.

Eventually, she stopped in a rocky expanse, her heels skidding on the dusty rocks and almost throwing her to the ground. The crashed ship was just above her, the smoke plume already thick and extending into the sky. The fires surrounding it were not all that visible, with a large amount of them softened or extinguished by the waterfalls lining the area. At least, as far as she could see.

"Almost there, Lilac..." Lilac huffed to herself, "Just gotta scale this wall...thank the Great Dragon that doing so is easy..."

She quickly turned around to see if Carol had managed to catch up with her. Nope. Carol was fast, but she often went off trail to find extra gems that travellers in the valley may have dropped in the past, or just to fight off any robots in the area. Old Carol loved a good fight. Regardless, Lilac knew she had to get to the crash site with or without her. Lilac already knew how to get up there; one of the other abilities her Dragon Boost gave her was the ability to bounce off of even the hardest of surfaces multiple times. Once again the energy surrounded Lilac and she Dragon Boosted up to the small and narrow alcove above her. However, she didn't get far before some sort of object smacked into her, sending her to the ground again. Lilac got up again, bruised but otherwise okay, and focused on what had attacked her. Her jaw dropped in response. For in front of her was a giant segmented monster, a mechanical nightmare in the deepest shades of grey and purple, with two piercing red eyes looking over her with somehow-salivating razor sharp fangs.

Lilac only had time to mutter, "What the..." before the monster roared and began to strike.

===================
A small while later
===================

"Are we there yet?"

"No."

"Are we there yet?"

"Almost!"

"...Are we ther-"

"BLADE!" Master shouted, visibly annoyed, "Not right now!"

"Sorry..." Blade said, "Just thought I'd pass the time."

"It's only been a 5 minute walk," Master shrugged, "Well, jog. Well, run...well, sprint. Look, the point is that we're here."

Master looked out over the expanse once more. It was around here that the desert and forest merged somewhat, leaving a dusty and rocky area that still had bushes and fresh water springs dotting the area. Below him was some rocky pit with the sound of rushing water catching his ears, while above him was the spaceship that he sensed would crash at that location. It was red, with an odd style to it, and it was now almost completely on fire with a thick smoke plume rising steadily above it.

"Nice ride," Blade smarmed, sounding impressed, "Shame it's...you know...trashed. Poor thing's more ruined than a 90's mascot."

"I just hope anyone on board the thing survived," Master said, leaning against a tree, "Might be able to lead us to this Lilac, then."

"Well, what did Carol Tea say?" Blade asked in a slightly annoyed tone, "Oh yeah..." he put on a mocking impersonation of the older Carol's voice, "Ooh, just go into the Dragon Valley and find us. Don't bother with trying to figure out WHERE in the valley we'll be, we'll just pop up!" and then returned to his normal annoyed voice, "Fat lot of help that Chao droppings was!"

"...Wait, Chao don't-"

"Look, the point is we're kinda in the dark here!" Blade retorted, "We only went and found this ship because Chaos knows we have no other leads. What, will some sign just come bursting out of the ground to show us we're in the right place?"

Suddenly, the ground began crunching and vibrating, as if something was crashing thorough the rocky floor below. And as if by some sort of natural disaster, a large hole in the rock exploded into existence, spreading chunks of itself everywhere. Following the rock was some odd mechanical segments, each flying out of the hole and landing in a small pile near Master and Blade. Its head came last, housing a goofy expression that seemed to indicate that it did NOT see whatever beat it coming.

"...Well..." Master said, visibly unaffected by this turn of events, "That a good enough sign?"

"Yeah..." Blade said, audibly surprised, "Good enough."

However, both noticed that one last item had burst from the hole in the rock, but it was not another piece of the robot. But rather, a creature. More specifically, a dragon. She was purple, much lighter in shade than the last one Master noticed, and had a much cleaner appearance. In fact, she was clearly the Lilac that Carol had tasked Master with finding, right down to how she looked. Compared to War Lilac, Lilac herself was nowhere near as demented, looking quite sane and collected, with an intact set of light blue shirt and shorts complete with boots and actual gloves as opposed to mere scraps hanging around her wrist. Her teeth were normal and her eyes were not red dots swimming around a black expanse, but instead a large and purple pupil in a standard set of white eyes. But perhaps most noticeable was her tendrils extending out of the back of her head, hiding within her mostly nicely combed hair; there were two of them and neither looked synthetic or dirty, instead waving around slightly in the breeze. This was it, Master knew. THIS was Lilac. The dragon stretched slightly, groaning with satisfaction as she did so, and then began to run off to where the ship had crashed, slowly becoming a mere dot in the process.

"Well, that was her, alright," Blade said, "...Well, what're you doing standing around gawking? You're already engaged, slugger! After her!"

"Oh! Right!" Master yelped, before picking up his pace and screaming after Lilac. He clambered up the rocky wall, stabbing Blade into the wall multiple times to ascend, before stopping by the ship. Nearby was two people, some of the strangest looking adversaries Master had ever seen. One was some strange sort of snake creature, this one much smaller and more organic that the last one, clad in a helmet and body armour and holding some sort of laser pistol to the other. He was sprawled out across the floor and could only be understood as some sort of...duck tortoise creature, with a duck's bill and a body-encompassing shell. He also wore strange padded gloves and boots, and wore goggles that at the moment rested across his forehead. Master was, understandably, quite confused, "Uh...Blade? Have I gone crazy again?"

"Nope, I'm seeing it too," Blade said, "Armoured snake about to shoot a...shellduck. And I thought those wisp hybrids were bad..."

Master got closer to the two, tiptoeing ever so slightly until he climbed a tree to get a better look. The snake was still pointing his gun at the Shell-duck, who was seemingly wounded but not about to let himself get captured.

"How many Chasers are left?" the snake asked in a threatening and predictably hissing voice, "Tell me!"

The Shell-duck's response was one that was light and odd, almost in a mocking tone if not for the fact he spoke in it almost all the time, "You didn't say please!"

"Don't play games with me, duckling!" the snake shouted, looking angrier by the second, "Tell me!"

"...Fine, be that way."

The Shell-duck's response to this was to retreat into his shell, leaving only a round brown ball with goggles poking out of the top of it. The snake became visibly irritated, letting out a "Gaah! Where's that blasted snake mount?!"

"Snake Mount..." Master said, confused. It didn't take long for a lightbulb to pop over his head, "Oh yeah, that robot."

"Nothing now but a mass of glorified balls," Blade sniggered, "Heh heh. Balls..."

This was made apparent to the snake too, as the head of this demolished mount suddenly came bounding over the edge of the wall Master had climbed earlier and then landed close to the armoured snake. His reaction did not change, instead just turning back to his target, "Fine! I'll guess we'll have to do this the hard way!" The snake then opened fire with his pistol and a large bright blue bolt of energy came roaring out of the barrel, colliding with the Shell-duck's shell with great force. He bounced back, seemingly not damaged, but the snake had already given chase. He grabbed the shell and threw it into the trees and then, after grabbing another blaster from his belt, laid waste to the leaves above him, sending purple shots through the sky. The Shell-duck collapsed nearby, uncurled out of his shell and seemingly weakened by the assault. The snake only guffawed in a way Master knew all to well, "I could do this all day!"

"We better get going!" Master whispered, "Or he's gonna get creamed!"

"Wait!" Blade whispered, "Something else is coming! It's that dragon girl!"

Blade was right. Cascading through the trees even now was Lilac, the purple dragon from before. She landed with a sense of grace that threw the snake back somewhat. He himself looked quite shocked, barely blurting out, "What is THIS hideous creature?"

Lilac was quick to her feet, standing behind the Shell-duck with arms outstretched. Even her voice was similar to War Lilac, albeit one that was nowhere near as deranged or rage-filled, "Stay back!"

"Ooohh, no!" The snake said, "The duck man comes with me!"

Lilac only became more defiant at this remark, "I'm not gonna let you eat him!"

"...What?"

It didn't take long for some strange item to strike from the darkness and just miss the snake creature, who narrowly dodged it with a shriek. It was a segment of a blade of some sort, attached to another segment with some metallic rope, which in turn was attached to another and another still. The blade retracted and some monster jumped out of the shadows of a nearby tree. He was brown, around the snake's own height, and wore a dark red scarf that wrapped around his face and chest. He wielded the weapon from before in his left hand, a majestic weapon with a curved blade that had cracks which seemed to emit a green light.

"Creature of the deepest pits of damnation!" the creature barked in some odd British accent, "Step away from the Dragon and the...Shell...Duck..."

"And who are you supposed to be?" the snake hissed, stifling an evil laugh, "Some sort of winter mummy?"

"Well that's just mean," came another voice, this one deeper and decidedly more demonic, "I suggest you keep your trap shut, snakeboy! We've already cleaved our way through targets like Lyric, we'll have no problem fighting his cousin twice-removed!"

"Hahaha..." the snake laughed, "Got quite the mouth on ya, haven't you? Two of 'em, in fact! But can you back it up? Get ready to draw!"

"Okay, bub..." the voice said again, as the creature switched his weapon to his off hand and dug out another one, "Want some graphite-related puns, too? Well then, here comes the 2B!"

The creature reared back and thrust his blade forward. The blade itself split into multiple roped segments as with before and travelled across the space between the creature and the snake, catching the snake's left hand and forcing him to drop his laser pistol.

"And here comes the eraser!" the creature called out, raising his other weapon. There was a loud crack in the sky and the weapon, the chrome and parkerised creation that it was, recoiled back like a large jump. Some small and invisible object then hit the snake in his other hand, dropping his other pistol too. The snake groaned in pain, holding both of his wounded and almost useless hands and looked at the creature with a sneer.

"Arrgh! You shouldn't have done that!" the snake yelled, turning to make an exit, "You haven't seen the last of Serpentine!" The snake turned and fled, leading only the two weapons behind; both of which had been damaged by the creature's weapons and thus were rendered useless. He turned back to Lilac and the Shell-duck, both of which had been watching the spectacle with confused eyes.

"What, uh..." Lilac began, "What just happened?"

"I think I've just saved your life," the creature said, scratching his ear, "Not too sure."

"Whatever just happened, it was a close one..." the Shell-duck sighed, "Thank you both for helping me. Especially you. Miss...uh..."

"Lilac," Lilac said, "Sash Lilac."

"Miss Lilac!" the Shell-duck said gleefully, before turning to the creature and asking, "And, uh, you are?"

"They call me Master." the creature said, shrugging slightly, "I don't know why, they just do."

"Nice voice manipulation back there, by the way," the Shell-duck said, "Voice Modulation Device hidden in your scarf, I presume?"

"Nope," came the other voice again, "The voice is a bit more...handsome. And deadly. But mostly handsome."

"Who?" Lilac asked.

"Down here."

All three people in the area looked at the blade in Master's hand, to which Lilac mumbled, "That...that thing's talking?"

"Yeah..." Master said, digging his other weapon into one of his holsters leaving only the blade in his hand, "This is the Blade of Hysteria, though I just call him 'Blade'."

"Oh..." Lilac said, clearly trying to take this in, "Well, hello...Blade."

There was a sudden roaring noise and all three turned their heads to see what it was. It was a red motorbike, with some sort of animal riding on it. She was green, with green ears, green markings and a large tail that swished behind her as she walked. Master could clearly see this was Carol, at the least the younger one, that the elder one had tasked him to find. Compared to the Carol from the future timeline, she was obviously younger and less battle scarred, having both eyes and both hands. She wore much simpler clothing than her elder form, with only a black shirt with no sleeves, some dark green shorts, gloves, boots and a red rag tied around her neck to her own. Carol stopped the bike and quickly jumped off of it, running towards the trio with open eyes from shock, "Are you okay? I saw a huge explosion back there!"

"Have you been following us this whole time?" Lilac asked.

"Duh," Carol said, with a sort of sneery expression.

"I take it you know this guy?" the Shell-duck asked.

"Girl..." Carol growled in response.

"This...girl?"

Lilac broke away from the group to stand in front of Carol and pose, "Are you kidding? She's like my tail! Always right by my side."

Carol herself then walked forward to introduce herself, and conforming Master's suspicions in the process, "Carol the Wildcat, at your service!" she quickly pointed her thumb towards Lilac, "AaaandthisisLilac."

The Shell-duck reached out to shake her hand, "Well I'm Torque. I'm a, uh, shell-duck."

"Shell-duck?"

"It's more of a nickname," Torque said, looking a bit nervous, "I'm not exactly from around here."

"You don't say," Master snarked.

"Well, you don't look like you're from around here either, bub!" Carol pointed accusingly at Master, "Who are you, anyway?"

"He's called...Master, I think," Lilac tried to explain.

Carol's expression became quite miffed.

"...Not a word of a lie, I promise," Master said, "Look, it's a long story. Perhaps we should reach safer ground."

"Well, there's my treehouse," Lilac said, "No-one knows where it is other than me. We'll be safe there. You coming, Master?"

"Does he have to?" Carol asked, inspecting Master all over, "I don't trust him. I don't trust ANYONE with a getup THAT ridiculous..."

"I kinda have to, because...uh..." Master quickly looked down at the scarf that covered his face, thankful it hid his nervous frown, "Oh bother, I didn't think this far...ooh!" and then turned back to Carol, "I'm the newest member of your...Red Scarves. Came here for...training, that's it."

"Training?" Torque asked, "With moves like that?"

"Also, what's with the dead sheep wrapped around your head?" Carol asked, her voice clearly irritated, "You're taking the whole 'Red Scarves' thing a bit too seriously, aren't you?"

"Well, I didn't get the memo..." Master said, laughing nervously.

"Ahh, jeez, give it up, Master!" Blade called out, "It's not working. Look, here's the score; I'm a talking blade of war, we're both from the future and we're here to make sure both you remain sane in about three days. Got it?"

"...Did..." Carol began after a pause, "...Did his glowing dagger talk?"

"Yeah..." Lilac said.

Master frowned under his scarf. He was supposed to make sure both stayed sane and already, by doing almost nothing, he had forced the two to accept that his cursed demonic dagger was talking to them. Probably took a hit to their sanity already.

"Good start, Master," he sighed to himself as the group started off towards the treehouse, "Good start."
Chapter 1: The East Valley

Damn, almost late for this 'un. Oh well, here's chapter 1 of FDWM, so enjoy! :D

Prologue: fav.me/d926z0v

Chapter 1: fav.me/d935ad6

Chapter 2: fav.me/d945pfx

Chapter 3: fav.me/d957yv2

Chapter 4: fav.me/d966ogx

Chapter 5: fav.me/d9738kl

Chapter 6: fav.me/d97zjgn

Chapter 7: fav.me/d98ujnn

Chapter 8: fav.me/d99o8s0

Chapter 9: fav.me/d9ai2xh

Chapter 10: fav.me/d9bbqab

Chapter 11: fav.me/d9c5nqs

Chapter 12: fav.me/d9cyuvr

Chapter 13: fav.me/d9dr90g

Epilogue: fav.me/d9ejr4q

© 2015 - 2024 MasterPerryMartin
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Spookyrus's avatar
Chapter 1 analysis! Will mpuppy4 be able to get through this without it going on forever? "Not a chance!"
As said before, he was a brown hedgehog, with spiky quills and a tall stature.
Bad. We already got a description of Master in the prologue, we don't need to hear it again. That "As said before" certainly doesn't help. The added information filling the rest of this paragraph is completely irrelevant, too.

That being said, the first paragraph is good. Again, you're good at setting the scene.
"Remember what happened to Lola that one time?"
Also irrelevant. It's one thing for the information here to come back later (Checkov's Gun) but as far as I can remember, it doesn't. So. Yeah. I'm gonna stop pointing out things like this now.

PLOT TWIST it's the eternally lazy Carol who has to wake up the responsible Lilac! I mean... why not, I guess??

Going to note right now that this story consistently portrays a lack of understanding of the characters' personalities. It's mostly little things, but there are so many of those little things that they just compound into complete and total ugh, and they bother me enough that I'm probably going to make note of all of them. That above is just the first example, and it's immediately when Lilac and Carol are introduced. That's not exactly a good first impression.

Is there a reason they're sleeping in the middle of the valley? I'm fairly certain they're more than capable of getting from the treehouse to Relic Maze in like a couple hours tops, so... Also holy frick how do you sleep that long with that sun beating down on you
Carol always looked and sounded like she was one step away from letting a 'nyan' slip past her at any time, what with her trying so hard to be butch.
*shRIEK*
That's the best description of her rasp I've ever heard omg I wanna steal it
[Lilac] found it cute.
Hnnnnnnnnnnnnnngh me too Lilac, me too
"Wait, what're we doing today?"

"Robbing Mayor Zao's truck, remember?" 
It's incredibly contrived for Lilac to forget this, and it's obviously just another forced way of dumping more exposition. I might have been able to buy it if it were Carol who forgot and Lilac who did the explaining, but even that's pushing it.

Carol's not acting particularly Caroly in this scene. She's acting more like Lilac, grounded and level-headed as opposed to energetic and joking like she should be. It's like we just have two Lilacs having a conversation, which, contrary to what Let Me Float might have you believe, isn't very interesting. Actually Lilac isn't particularly Lilacy here either... It isn't like her to be asking the questions that she's asking here, especially to Carol. She'd be more likely to just get up and say "let's get this over with."
"What the..." Carol started to ask, "The heck was that? That looked like Prince Dail's men!"
Annnnnnnnd that's not something that Carol would say.

Also, your lack of "Little Miss Heropants" disturbs me.

Here's a pro-tip, since I've written things similar to this before and none of them were very good: In story adaptations of video games, you usually want to skip over... most of the level stuff. And by "most" I mean "pretty much all." Chances are the reader has played the game and knows what's coming, which makes things like this boring to read. Seeing Lilac drag herself through Dragon Valley here is just padding. It would be better if it cut straight to Master and Blade, and had the Hunter Snake set up later.
"Oh yeah..." he put on a mocking impersonation of the older Carol's voice, "Ooh, just go into the Dragon Valley and find us. Don't bother with trying to figure out WHERE in the valley we'll be, we'll just pop up!"
And there's your daily dose of "Blade is awesome and I really like him." Or, my daily dose, I suppose would be more accurate.

...Why are we describing Lilac a second time, we're even still on the same chapter.
"Nothing now but a mass of glorified balls," Blade sniggered, "Heh heh. Balls..."
Absolutely Disgusting 
He was brown, around the snake's own height, and wore a dark red scarf that wrapped around his face and chest. He wielded the weapon from before in his left hand, a majestic weapon with a curved blade that had cracks which seemed to emit a green light.

"Creature of the deepest pits of damnation!" the creature barked ...
Why. We know that this is Master, why are we doing this.

Okay so, a problem that I have with FP's canon shows up here, that being the fact that Lilac has to rescue Torque despite him being perfectly capable of standing up for himself (why he doesn't just shoot Serp in the face, we may never know). While this moment empowers Lilac's character and serves as a good introduction to her, it majorly harms Torque by making him look weaker than he actually is, and it certainly doesn't help that he keeps getting the short end of the stick for the entire story. Now here, not only do we still have that problem, but we also have Master coming to Lilac and Torque's rescue, which belittles Lilac's heroic action and thus makes her seems weaker and damsel-ish. So now we have two primary canon characters who are majorly suffering right off the bat.
The snake groaned in pain, holding both of his wounded and almost useless hands and looked at the creature with a sneer.
Why would Brevon build pain receptors into Serpentine's robotic arms
"... Miss...uh..."

"Lilac," Lilac said, "Sash Lilac."
*SHRIEKS IN THE BAD WAY*

Em's Stupid Pet Peeves #1: The Girls Introducing Themselves By Their Full Names

NO! No no no no no. No. Bad. Bad story. Don't do this to me.

It's completely out of character for any of the girls to call themselves by their full names, and it bothers the living frick out of me so much that any and every time I see it in a fanfic I have to set my computer down and step away for a couple minutes to rethink my life choices. They never say their full names in canon. It's Neera who says Lilac and Carol's, and Lilac explicitly asks how she knows them, as if it's not information that they readily hand out. Milla's last name is Word of God. Each of the girls have their own reasons for not handing out their names, Lilac and Carol having reason even beyond being wanted criminals.
  • Strife has implied that Lilac is actively trying to escape her first name, as she goes by her last name in an effort to bury her past. Telling someone that her name is "Sash Lilac" could prompt the question of why she doesn't use "Sash," which obviously isn't a question that she would want to answer. And then there's the possibility that someone might address her as Sash without her consent, which is even worse.
  • Carol goes with "Carol the Wildcat." Considering that her past doesn't seem so hot either, it's likely that she calls herself this as her own way of forgetting things (and also making herself sound cool). This is speculation, but the point still stands. And, of course, Lilac, having her own name issues, would respect Carol's wish to avoid her surname.
  • Milla is TEN. What ten-year-old tells someone their last name without being asked for it??
...Annnnnnd I'm done with that tangent. I've just seen this so many times that it makes me want to frghhgsdbn shoot something. Jesus I hope that pet peeve counter doesn't end up going over three.
"Well, there's my treehouse," Lilac said, "No-one knows where it is other than me. ..."
Rip Carol.
"It's not working. Look, here's the score; I'm a talking blade of war, we're both from the future and we're here to make sure both you remain sane in about three days. Got it?"

"...Did..." Carol began after a pause, "...Did his glowing dagger talk?"
I'll buy that being Carol's response, but I won't buy that Lilac or Torque don't have something to say after that.

This chapter ends pretty abruptly. Master's ending line to himself is fine, but there really should have been more conversation here, particularly because of Blade's previous line. We don't get a "we'll explain later," the dialogue is cut off after Lilac's odd "yeah," and then they just start walking. Like, I mean, okay, but... Where's the rest of it??

I need to stop staying up until eleven. My family's taking a daycation to NYC tomorrow, so I'll have to get to chapter 2 the day after that.